The Thumb-Ring Guy is the grown-up version of that white kid in middle school who put beads in his hair. And as an adult, his thumb ornaments show the world that he’s still the most “new age” herb in the spice rack.
Obviously, Thumb-Ring Guy’s stand out attribute is the thumb ring he so proudly rocks on whichever hand he uses to write his shitty poetry. In the pseudo-artistic trinket family, the thumb ring is the ignored middle-child — overshadowed by his popular older brother Brown Leather Wrist Band and drowned out by the overt machismo of his younger brother, Chain Wallet.
Thumb-Ring Guy has a regimented wardrobe of hemp necklaces, beads, and winter skullies (which he only wears inside bars in mid-summer). Think hippie, but without the stench of incense. You should expect the thumb ring to be silver, typically with a floral pattern; though recent acceptance of said male jewelry has created a rise in gold ones. Either way, it’s softer than Michael Douglas dick.
If it’s the winter and you’re unsure whether your friend or lover is Thumb-Ring Guy due to gloves or mittens, there are very key characteristics that go hand in hand with the jewelry. First, Thumb-Ring Guy is very sensitive and very progressive. He’s a herb, and an outspoken fan of Air America (the radio station, not the 1990 action-comedy starring Mel Gibson & Robert Downey, Jr.).
Thumb-Ring Guy also relates all life experiences to his free spirit, and somehow every conversation you have with him turns into a lecture about preserving Mother Nature. Ironically, he’s scared of Father Time — hence the vast collection of youth-procuring face and body lotions on his dresser. Thumb-Ring Guy will demand his opinions are fact, but at the same time, he’ll easily saunter off into a corner if you mack it to his girlfriend.
Thumb-Ring Guy can generally be found in vapid social wastelands wisely disguised as intellectual epicenters, specifically the Jack Johnson CD section at Border’s Books & Music. If one is to make contact with Thumb-Ring Guy, the best maneuver is to find a book by the trendiest author at the time and beat him unmercifully with it. I did so just a few months back with Junot Diaz’s The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, and I’ve yet to be apprehended.
Odds are the fuzz will see the thumb ring, and accuse Guy of fraud; believing the physical assault was a hoax pulled to gain monetary compensation for the purchasing of more thumb rings.
By Scott Glockholder
Also Known As: The Thumb Ornament, Lord of the Herbs, The Ring Bearer, The New Age of Hand, The “Where Has That Thumb Been?” Guy, The Colon Ring