Tag Archives: parents

#49 The Facebook Parent

Mom.  Not Cool.

Mom. Not Cool.

There’s only one thing worse than social networking, and that’s social networking when you’re old. It’s enough that every person I’ve ever been aquatinted with can now view pictures of me and write on my “wall” — but the day that Mom and Dad enter this equation….I’m about ready to give up on the internet.

There was once a time when moving out of the house meant you were a grown adult, capable of leading your own independent life. But thanks to the Facebook Parent, your life has become their wallpaper.

parents-on-facebook3

And why not. They only have three friends total. You, your sister, and that dude Steve that lives down the block. And Steve’s a dick.

The Facebook Parent is the over-intrusive, “Jewish Mother” of the internet. They are invasive and overbearing, but through the help of countless Friendster sites, are able to view your private details with very little snooping around. They used to have to ransack your room for no-nos when you went off to summer camp, but thanks to your stoner buddy, she can now see you holding a joint in your recently tagged pictures.

The Facebook Parent can be found in increasing numbers across the internet — their uncomfortable presence gaining momentum due to Facebook’s exponential “laming” process. You’ll find the FP concentrated largely in suburbia, and generally of the Mom (female) variety. Dad’s will more frequently use their previledge as FP to scour their son/daughter’s Friends for “hot chicks” and reminisce about the days when he used to get pussy.

But all is not lost, young Facebook apprentice. Thankfully, there is still a large facet of Parents that don’t know how to turn on the computer. Pray that your Parent is one of them. And if worst comes to worst, you can do what I did: Declining your Mom’s friend invite. Look Mom, I didn’t want it to have to come down to this, but you forced my hand. We are family, not friends. And I don’t want you writing on any of my walls.
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Also Known As: Myspace Mom, Jewish Mother 2.0, We’re Friends AND Family, Inspector Parent, The Worst Thing Ever, The Facebook Flaw

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Filed under annoying people, family, friends, internet, old people, parents

#2 The Over-Encouraging Parent

It\'s so good when it hits your lips
If you’ve ever smoked weed with your friend’s parents, than you know the Over Encouraging Parent.

They are eager to push their child to experience it all, no matter what the age or maturity level. They want their kids to be the first and the best — the trailblazer among their peers. The Prom Queen and Party King.

This type of Parent is ready, at any moment, to scream “Don’t tell my child what they can’t do!”. And don’t you dare. Because they will throw up fisticuffs and fight you on the spot. In front of their kids. They’ll break your nose and chalk it up as “positive reinforcement”.

Smoking BabyAt the core of every Over-Encouraging Parent is the internal struggle with their own deteriorating age, and the burning desire to “stay cool”. You will find them buying beer for their teenage kids and their friends, often allowing them unrestricted use of the house to throw parties and “score chicks”. The only catch: Dad might come downstairs and have a few beers. Well, he actually might get drunk. But again, positive reinforcement.

Unfortunately, said Parents tend to be generally laughed at by their Child’s peers, and are used solely to procure alcohol and for an extra hand during kegstands. They are similarly scoffed at by fellow Parents — regarded as “those folks” or “shitheads“.

And often, the Child that has been so dearly encouraged — so fervently pushed towards maturity — turns out to be an drunk, age-fearing moron. Just like their Parents.
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Also Known As: The “I’m Still Hip” Parent, The Drinking Dad, Bad Parents, The Old Age Sage, The Buy Me Beer Parenteer

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Filed under booze, drugs, kids, parents