Tag Archives: rich people

#36 The Sweater Over Shoulders Herb

I'm sitting on a rubber fist!

I'm sitting on a rubber fist!

In the world of rich yacht-dwelling dipshits, their is one pastel pole-jockey that reigns supreme. This is the Sweater Over Shoulders Herb (or SOSH, for those that’d like to call them it to their face). It takes a bold man to drape a pink sweater over his shoulder like a 1970s country club grandmother. But the SOSH is a bold bunch. So bold, in fact, they often play all-male Twister nude with a bag of Chex Mix Bold Party Blend.

You may be confused at first. Is there a draft in the room? Maybe he’s got a birthmark on his neck he’s ashamed of? Maybe his shoulders are prone to frostbite?

But I assure you, there’s no birthmark, and there’s no draft (well, except for the one that keeps blowing douchebags onto Long Island). There’s just a goober with no fashion sense and a penchant for soft tones.

The sweater is a decoration. Like stripes on an General’s uniform, the SOSH displays his arrogance and wealth by shoulder-sweaters. Just as a rich housewife wears a pearl necklace, the SOSH will adorn themselves with a knitted honor. Polos, business suits, pajamas — as long as there’s a shoulder, the SOSH will hang a sweater on it. In rare instances, you may see three or four sweaters stacked on top of a SOSH’s shoulders. This is known as Accelerated Sweater Syndrome, or abbreviated, being an ASS.

You can find the SOSH in and around the Hamptons, Greenwich, and other areas with old money and no minorities. The will most likely be drinking a Wine Spritzer, feigning heterosexuality, and talking about their new BMW 3 Series convertible: “So I told the Dealership: ‘You want my business, you get me a light pink coupe.'”

When you see a Sweater Over Shoulders Herb, you’re first reaction should be to fake a smile and give the SOSH a huge “nice sweater” thumbs up. In a few minutes, bring your conversation closer to the SOSH, take a lighter out, and subtly light his sweater on fire. This is called “Hot Sweater”. Stand back a few paces, give him that huge thumbs up, and say “Hot Sweater, man!”
__________
Also Known As: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Shoulder Sweaters 3, Country Club Cowboys, The Long Island Birthmark, Herbalicious, Pish Posh SOSH, The Red Badge of Gayness

5 Comments

Filed under awful, beach, clothes, douche, idiot accessories, long island, parents, rich people

#13 The Sushi Snob

You can eat it, but never enjoy it
There’s nothing like dropping $140 on dinner, only to be told “there’s a better place by my house”.  Much like the raw fish they so fervently protect, the Sushi Snob is a smelly, arrogant vagina that may make you sick to your stomach.

They are an unwanted conosuerre of the dining world, a pompous and brutally-picky purveyor of all things sushi.  You may have thought you were just going out to dinner, but no — you are actually being judged. Every bite of spicy tuna brings with it the guilt and judgement of a Jewish mother.  Sure it tastes good, but it could be so much better.

I\'m a douchebag!The Sushi Snob feeds off of their own self-importance. They need to be the only person in the know. And they won’t be outdone.

First, they’ll ask if you’ve heard of “their” sushi restaurant. Then, they’ll roll their eyes and say “oh, of course you haven’t”. This is key. They will always try to make you feel ignorant and useless. Forget the fact that “their place” is an out-of-the way, hole-in-the-wall spot that no one has ever been to. You’re an uncultured dick for not knowing about it.

Eating with the Sushi Snob is one of the most unpleasant experiences known to man. If they’re not smugly pushing around their sushi with chopsticks, they’re talking about how there’s “too many white people at this place”. It’s very important to them to not eat sushi around Caucasians. It cheapens the experience.

If you are unlucky enough to go with the Sushi Snob to “their” spot, be prepared to answer all of these questions:

“Isn’t this just amazing?!”
“Oh, mmmm! Isn’t this like god wrapped in rice?”
“Wow. How much better is this than that place you took me to?”

You can find the Sushi Snob concentrated in New York City and Los Angeles — the more disposable income, the bigger their snobbery. The Sushi Snob will more than likely be the whitest person you know. If you suspect you friend or coworker is a sushi snob, and they want to go out to eat, suggest another food. Eating sushi with them is like shitting in your laundry basket. You know it’s stupid, so why would you do it?
__________
Also Known As: Whitey McSnobshi, The Riceroll Nazi, The “You Are What You Eat” Shiteater, The Chopstick C*nt, The Fish Fuhrer, Dining With Satan

2 Comments

Filed under awful, food, IdiotPantsParty, parents, rich people, work