Tag Archives: sex

#34 The High-Angle MySpace Slut

High Angle MySpace Sluts (or HAMS, as they’re referred to by worried mothers, pornographic casting agencies, and anyone else scouring the internet for teenage ingenues) are a slew of females who find the best way to show off their beauty is through a square-inch photo placed in some sort of networking website. I use the term slew in describing this sub-species because, ironically, these girls have been ridden more times than Triple Crown winner Seattle Slew.

This particular photo, no matter how small, possesses one key trait: a self-shot photograph from a high angle, preferably close-up. Research has shown the popularity of this particular angle is due to the false belief that it makes the subject much thinner. But if one was to consult their medical physician or common sense, they’ll quickly learn that fat is fat. You can’t take the bone out of the chicken.

HAMS use the high-angle pose in accordance with two key physical traits, sucking in the cheeks and cocking the head downward (note how it’s only natural for the words “sucking” and “cocking” to exist when describing HAMS). HAMS feel these traits let their audience, mainly 10th grade chemistry teachers, know they are (A) easy and (B) attractive. But mainly easy.

Moons Over My Hammy

Moons Over My Hammy

HAMS have become highly controversial in recent years, with the increases in both teenage pregnancy and the sale of glittery lip gloss being direct results. HAMS have always been hip to inner circles of popular social groups because of their affinity for swallowing anything, be it e-pills or another man’s babies. Such popularity has forced the entertainment business to embrace this sub-sect, with several spokespeople displaying this way of life, mainly Tila Tequila or any contestant associated with all things broadcasted on VH-1.

HAMS can be found at any social function where mind-altering drugs are being handed out, especially low-lit places where their looks are manipulated for the better. These social functions include but aren’t limited to public school janitor closets, BEBE back-to-school sales, and bukkake parties.

If ever approached by HAMS, please understand that the low-lighting has created the illusion of natural beauty. Also, don’t act surprised to see their hair gel has morphed a once cute hairdo into a plastic dreadlock-dental floss texture. Finally, be sure to keep a pack of profolactics on your person and a bottle of Listerine in your car, as it is almost guaranteed that HAMS have the gum disease gingivitis.

By Scott Glockholder
Also Known As: Ballrats, Teenage Wasteland, The Big Easies, Our next guest on today’s show, Millenial Hoes, Who Are You Kidding, Digital Cam Tramp, The Jilted Quicker Picker Upper Mounty, Kid Sister
Related: The Reality Show Contestant, The Fake Friend



Filed under face, friends, internet, prostitute, sex, technology

#30 The “I Bet She’s Crazy In The Sack”

There’s a saying in the male community: “If she scares your head, she’s good in bed”. In other words, if she’s crazy enough to scare the shit out of you, she can probably rip your Johnson off when you unleash her sexuality.

The “I Bet She’s Good In Bed” is most known for that signature crazed look in her eye. You’ve seen her dancing on bars, violently screaming out the lyrics to “Living on a Prayer”, and/or punching her boyfriend in the face. She’s not afraid to be the center of attention, and she’s certainly not afraid of you.

Her key personality traits: aggression and bitchiness. She’d rather tell you to “f**k off” than answer that stupid question you asked. And she’d also like you to buy her a drink. Like now.

If your relationship with the IBSCITS (pronounced “I-Biscuits” for short) does progress into the bedroom, there are several things you should be prepared for:

1. Talking dirty. She’ll demand that you talk nasty to her, and believe me, she’ll say some shit that will make you uncomfortable. But make sure you steer away from calling her a “whore” or any variances of this. This term will turn wild sex into a violent scene from Clockwork Orange.

2. Aggressive and constant sex. She’ll let you know early on that she wears the pants. And you wear the skirt. The sex may be great, but once it’s over, she’ll want it again. Only harder this time. What are you, a pussy? And after that, again. While the IBSCITS does possess nympho traits, it will loose it’s luster after the first chafe sets in.

3. Peripheral Scariness. This could be anything the IBSGITS has in her crazy bag — from mentioning her father during sex to the ever-terrifying “Eyes Open Coitus”, where she’ll stare at you the whole time, wide-eyed and unblinking.

I like to watch you sleep.

I like to watch you sleep.

Now, I must warn you upfront: Just because she’s crazy, doesn’t mean she’s good in the sack. In fact, if your first instinct is “bitch is crazy”, then follow that instinct. Try not to think with your little head.

Most relationships with the IBSCITS typically end in two fashions: Abruptly. Or, more commonly, by the IBSCITS becoming attached, and progressively clingy, until said male breaks it off and fears for his life. After all, bitch is crazy.

If you see an “I Bet She’s Crazy In The Sack”, your best move is to point your friend in her direction. Let him take the bullet, and enjoy the phone call the next morning — The one where he calls in tears, saying she gave him a hickey the size of a walnut on his forehead; and he has no idea how to cover it up for his job interview that afternoon. This is where you say, “Ahh, they won’t notice.”
Also Known As: What Lies Beneath, Crazy Train, The Firey-Eyed Seductress, That Crazy Bitch, Was It Worth It?, Sleeping Beauty, Your Future Ex-Wife

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#28 The Reality Show Contestant

I want to be on TV!There was a time when it horrified the public to hear that guitar-legend Robert Johnson had sold his soul at the crossroads for Rock God status. Yet today, no one bats an eye when the Reality Show Contestant whores their soul out for a pack of American Spirits, a fresh strain of Herpes, and a slot on the latest installment of Bret Michael’s “Suck My Rocks IV”.

To the Reality Show Contestant, eating raw cow testicles and blowing some quasi-celebrity on screen is proof that they too are “celebrities”. This is key. The Reality Show Contestant’s desire to be famous follows a “no holds barred” strategy — they will do anything, screw anyone, and even disgrace their own family, to stay on the show.

Their ultimate goal: To get their own reality show. One where they can make someone else eat moose dick for their “love”. They’ve seen how Flavor of Love’s “New York”s borderline psychotic behavior got her her very own show. And they’ve seen Tila Tequila’s bi-sexual gangbang turn from MySpace Tweak to Reality Freak. These are dreams coming true, people.

“But why?” you ask. “Why would someone make their own Grandmother take deep throating lessons from Tila Tequila just to win that weeks competition?” The answer is simple. They want to “find love”. You’ve seen how quickly they can turn on the waterworks, and start mindlessly blabbering about how much they love Bret Michaels or want to be with Flava Flav for the rest of his life. They love him. Of course, by “love”, they mean they love the attention, and more importantly, the cameras. They really love the cameras. Really.

You may want to use a Dental Dam

Uhh...You may want to use a Dental Dam

I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity to work on a few reality shows and see first hand the RSC’s uninhibited lust for attention. All they want is to be on TV, even if it makes them look bad. You want me to jerk off a homeless person? OK. Really, I need to sleep with all three of those guys? And the Producer? Alright, I’ll do it!

Yet, the Reality Show Contestant does possess one unique trait. They need to be unleashed — chosen. Without cameras, the RSC is just a lunatic with serious parental issues and a loose moral backbone. But after a few sessions with Mr. Producer, they turn into well oiled TV gold.

You can find the Reality Show Contestant on any broadcast or cable network around 8-9 PM, with high concentrations on MTV and VH1. After their 10 week stint on I Love Money VII, you’ll undoubtedly see them trying to leapfrog their “stardom” into a successful entertainment career. And failing miserably.

If you ever see a Reality Show Contestant in public, please, for the love of god, do not give them attention. It will only stroke their ego, and in turn, encourage them to audition for another Reality Show.
Also Known As: Meat Puppets, The Reality TV Doody, The Callsheet Says Love, TV’s Least Talented, Flava Sava, Who Wants To Marry A Tramp?

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#11 The Fake Boob

Suck on that
There’s nothing like two silicon implants of self-confidence. For the Fake Boob, that’s what it’s all about: implanting attention.

Much like Hoodini, the Fake Boob will disappear for a brief moment, then miraculously reappear with a set of rockin’ tits. Bigger ones.

Flaunting is critical to the Fake Boob. In order to feel that they’ve “gotten their money’s worth”, they will show, flash, and lotion those mammary mountains like it was going out of style. Their wardrobe must be as chest-heavy as possible. Those now-huge knockers must be shoved and squeezed into the smallest clothing possible. If it can be arranged, doll clothes are a plus.

The Fake Boob is driven by the concept of “bigger is better”. The mere thought of bigger boobs gets their nipples hard. By increasing the bust size, they increase their life. Happiness, wealth — all their problems will be transplanted away. This is known as the “old titty fix”.

All NaturalOccasionally, the Fake Boob may loose their mind, and inflate their breast size to abnormal proportions. Like these martian balloons to the left. It’s a mental lapse known by Doctors as “biggitittyitus”.

And while men may oggle over the Fake Boob’s iconic spheres, they are still fake. You’re not really fooling anyone. When said funbags start to sag, the Fake Boob is then faced with a whole new set of Old Fake Boob problems.

You can find the Fake Boob concentrated in Los Angeles, on porn stars, and scattered throughout other major cities. The Fake Boob will more than likely be attracted to other fake things, such as the Fake Tan, the Fake Friend, and in horrific circumstances, The Blowout.

So if your friend goes to the supermarket and comes back with a fresh batch of confidence and two cantaloupes under her shirt, be wary. She may have just become a Fake Boob. (And you may have just scored front row seats to a titty show. No dollar bills required.)
Also Known As: The Funbag Fix, Silicon Confidence, Major Boobage, The “Eyes Down Here” Girl, The Titty Transformer, The “Notice Something Different?” Dame, Boobing For Compliments, Metamorphatits


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