Tag Archives: tans

#35 The Guido

I'm a douche bag!
Nothing says strong like a gallon of LA Looks X-Treme Hold Hair Gel loaded onto the scalp of an Italian twentysomething. Sure, the bottle says it will hold that hair in place for six hours, but…will it also be able to withstand fist fights, sea water, skank juice, and Busch Lite?

Such is the everyday battle of the Guido. Will the hair gel hold? Did I pout my lips out enough in that picture? Does this tramp have herpes?

Yet, in the family tree of skeevy, greasy-haired douchebags, the Guido is the Godfather. They are the patriarchal head of East-Coast shitbricks; with popular sects including, but not limited to: The Blowout, The Fake Tan, The Double-Popped D-Bag, The Pencil Chinstrap, and The Meathead.

Yet, while all these sub-sects can be used and utalized individually, the Guido is the sack of sorrys that holds them all. They not only embody all of these traits, but add to it a sense of VD-filled pride and unadulterated support. It’s blind nationalism, and their nation is the New Jersey Shore.

Their main objective: live each day as if it was Spring Break on Muscle Island. They do not aspire for marriage or love, but rather one-night stands and donkeypunches. And while they want money to buy new Polos and pink-striped shirts, they often lack the incentive to stay employed. Many will work as Bouncers or bartenders, since this suits their busy schedule of drinking and lifting weights.

Still confused? This piece, entitled Guido Beach should fill in any gaps of the Guido portrait:

The Guido will be predominantly of the Italian decent, possibly on steroids, and definitely be a douchebag. As a full-blooded Italian man myself, they invoke a self-loathing that would rival a German Jew. Yet, they’re not alone in this world. Their female counterpart, the Gino, will happily oggle their muscles, pound down Heinekens, and slob on some knobs like corn on the cob. Just like Mom taught ’em.

If you see a Guido, point down the road and yell, “Hey! Is that Vin Diesel?!”. When they turn to look, kick them in the nuts. This is unfortunately the only hope we have of stopping them from reproducing.
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Also Known As: The Defining Douchebag, Meat Warriors, Gigli, The Jersey Junkies, Italian Cancer, Shore Whores

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Filed under beach, douche, friends, guidos, new jersey, tans, trashy

#3 The Fake Tan

Fake Tan
There is something to be said for that bright thing in the sky that we call the Sun. It gives us life, food, and more importantly, tans. But there is a particular brand of idiot that chooses to ignore that glowing ball of energy, and in it’s place, put a florescent bulb and some spray-on bronzer.

These people are the Fake Tanners. They feel the obsessive need to pay to recreate the effects of the sun in a small, dark room. Their orangish body desperately craves the frequent, multi-weekly appointments at the local “salon”. Only through this constant, oily attention is the Fake Tan able to darken and mature into full-on douchebaggery.

Although they are not entirely nocturnal, you’ll notice the Fake Tan predominantly at Parties and night clubs, as this is their specialty. They have been tanning all day so that they can glow at night, and that’s exactly what they intend to do. Shine. And quite literally too, as their skin will sparkle with the residue of a fresh application of aloe and Neutrogena.

At the heart of the Fake Tan is a burning competitive flame — a toasty driving force that fuels their frequent lotioning and laying. They need to be the tannest person in the room, no matter what the cost. If that means taking a pillow and some s’mores into their tanning bed, they will do it. They’ll camp there. And they won’t come out until their caucasian skin is charred to the core.

Fake TannerOften, the Fake Tan can lead to obsessive over-tanning, or a term that doctors refer to as “Carrotface“. This overdose of tan can lead to mocking and descrimintation from the Fake Tan community. And if coupled with The Blowout, can be deadly. (see picture to the right)

Thus, lies the crux of the Fake Tan — the dangerous balance between “tannest” and “over-tan“. Who can make it seem like they’ve been in the sun the longest without looking like a malnourished rabbit turd? Who can tight rope the line between golden god and orange asshole?

It’s an unfortunate battle, as with the Fake Tan, there is never any winners. They are all losers.
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Also Known As: That Orangish Guy, Danny Tanner, UV4Me, The Human Glowstick, The Fake Black, Spray-On Douche
Related: The Blowout, The Fake Boob, The Fake Friend, The Double-Popped D-Bag

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Filed under douche, freak, guidos, haircuts, new jersey, rich people, tans