Tag Archives: tattoo

#57 The Non-Tribal Tribesmen

African Tribal Lady, meet White Male From Milwaukee

Keta from the Anlo-Ewe Tribe, meet Mike From Milwaukee


There was once a time where you had to take a safari to a remote village in Africa to view what is known by anthropologists as “distending discs”, or in simple Americana: “that shit that you put in your skin to make it stretched out”.

But thanks to the popularity of anti-depressants, skateboarding culture, and Chris Angel, we now have the pleasure of seeing these Non-Tribal Tribesman right on our city block. That dude with an ear gauge the size of a fist in both of his ear lobes sure is cool! And check out the chick with metal staples in her cheeks!! Bring that sexy back, sista!

Extra napkin ring

Extra napkin ring

These “Inverse Earings” have become quite the rage, despite the fact that they make the hole in your ear bigger and bigger, as opposed to say, staying the same and hanging pretty things off of it. Forget the fact that in 10 years, your earlobes might look like a sleeve of a wizard. Much like the Fake Boob, it’s all about the now. And how!

And I’m all for it. Many people have made jokes about having sex with a person’s ear. To the Tribesman, this is a plausible reality. That gauging hole in their ear is yet another orifice to call your own. Make it yours. Need an extra napkin ring? Done. Just borrow their ear-ring, and return it after your done.

It is important to point out that despite their name, the Tribesmen can be both male and female. And also even those hermy-looking peeps that fit somewhere between. Regardless of gender, many of them have noted that the children’s song “Do Your Ears Hang Low” was a super-cool song when they were kids.

The Non-Tribal Tribesman can be found in anywhere, although large populations have sprung up in the Los Angeles, San Diego, and New York City areas. Contrary to their African precursors, the Tribesman is more likely to be found in a densely populated area. As this allows them to find more Tribesman, with whom they play “Who can make their hole the biggest?” The person that looses has to eat the ookie cookie.
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Also Known As: Poppa Piercing, Ear Vagina, Dumbo, The Ear Plug Fug, Earrings 2.0, The Foot Fist Way, Windsock Willy

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#44 The Chinese Symbol Tattoo

Round Eye

What They Think It Means: True Love. What It Actually Means: Stupid Round Eye

The Chinese Symbol Tattoo is the quintessential go-to tattoo of the 21st century. It’s immediately deep, incredibly profound. Not because you read somewhere that it means “honor”, but because everyone of your friends doesn’t understand what it means.

For the Chinese Symbol Tattoo (CST), that little doodle on their arm is proof that they are, in fact, better and smarter than you. They’re intellectual, world-class people. And just because they don’t understand something, doesn’t mean that they won’t get a tattoo of it. Because they will. They’ll get a whole freakin’ row of tattoos.

And really…what’s cooler than branding yourself with something that — five beers ago — meant absolutely nothing to you. Don’t you see how insightful it is? It’s like embracing other cultures, without the hassle of actually learning or doing anything.

Now, it’s important to note that this article is specifically talking about Caucasians, not Asians — the hamburger-eating Round Eyes that entrust Cleedus down at Lucky Tattoo to ink them up in Mandarin. These are the same people that think Outback Steakhouse is a good place to experience Australia, and order Dominos when they feel like eating Italian.

While they are in the same family as the Barbed-Wire Arm Tattoo and the Tattoo Freak, the CST is by far the most powerful of the needle-based junkies. They’ve tapped into that rare fringe market — male and female twenty-somethings that want a cool tattoo, but don’t have anything in mind. So they settle for one that means something to someone else.

So then, why do it? The answer is simple. The CST loves the fact that you have to ask them what it means. It practically pays for itself in ego stroking!

And really, what’s cooler than a permanent reminder that you don’t speak Chinese? If you happen to come across a Chinese Symbol tattoo (which you undoubtably will), give them a little scare. Tell them you speak Mandarin, and that their tattoo actually means “a whale’s vagina”.
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Also Known As: Lost in Translation, The Chinese Star, It Means “Douche”, The Cultural Tat, Bing Bing Herro Prease, The Poo Poo Platter

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#4 The Tattoo Freak

Smile
Nothing’s as permanent as a tattoo. And the Tattoo Freak aims to make you uncomfortably aware of that fact. From eyelid to asshole, they aim to turn their body into a nauseating canvas. Don’t like it? Good. Because they would be sick to their stomach if you did. You disgust them.

Every square inch of the Tattoo Freak’s body is valuable real estate, and like all morons, they will squander it — with butterflies, cartoon characters, and stupid sayings. Instead of treating their skin with care and nurture (like the Fake Tan), they treat it like a commercial billboard, squeezing in as much content and gimmicks as is humanly possible. Frequently, the Tattoo Freak will even re-tattoo over old, fading ones to make room for a new, stupider ones.

Cat ButtMuch like “hipsters” and “emo kids”, the Tattoo Freak fancies themselves part of the anti-culture. They are so uniquely individual — so against-the-grain — that no one could possibly “get” them. Well, except for the millions of other Tattoo Freaks, metalheads, and goth kids. Oh, and Dr. Phil. Sometimes he just makes sense.

In the rare instance that you encounter a Tattoo Freak with a tattoo you like, do not tell them. If you initiate, you will be opening a black hole of neverending “life stories”. Every single tattoo on the Tattoo Freak has a “connection” with every other tattoo — so asking about one means you’re asking about all of them:

“Oh that hamburger tattoo? That’s a funny story…I got really drunk with my friend Boner, and we starting eatin’ hamburgers. Then we decided, ‘Hell, lets get a tattoo of it’. Which reminds me of this tattoo over here of Chewbacca. Remember him?! Yeah, well, me an’ Boner were out drinkin’ again…” Pretty soon you’ll be fumbling at your shirt to find a loose thread so you can hang yourself.

You will rarely see Tattoo Freaks out during the day, as they thrive on darkness. You can also expect to see them at heavy metal concerts, at Dr. Phil tapings, and in your local grocery store, buying tater tots.
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Also Known As: Inked Up, The Tat Rascal, The Tribal Tattoo Guy, Regular Skin’s For Chumps, Tatatouille

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