Tag Archives: trashy

#52 The Chico Stash

This mustache ruined my career!

This mustache ruined my career!

If you’ve ever noticed a man with a mustache so thin — so utterly disgusting and ratty — that you gagged and/or vomited on the spot, this is most likely the stylish workings of the Chico Stash.

The notoriously grotesque Chico Stash was originally made popular by Ralph Macchio in “My Cousin Vinny” (see above), but since has spread like herpes across a wide demographic of socially inept males. The most prevalent of these facets is within the Latino and Mexican tribes, as this smattering of loose facial hair is seen as a point of pride. You may also notice African American youths have incorporated the Chico Stash (or simply “the C-mo“) into their bag of tricks, with the neccessary accessory being a straight-brimmed hat with the sticker still on it.

Chico StashNow, it is vital to point out that the Chico Stash is also hugely popular with prebuescent boys, as these scattered brown-and-curlys on their upper lip projects a clear message to all the ladies in the room: “yeah bitches, my balls are mid-drop”. And to these sprouting youths, I wish an honest congratulations. (now seriously, shave that goddamn thing off your face).

The Chico Stash can be found almost anywhere in the country, although border towns with Mexico will find a disproportionate C-mo population. The CS will most likely be combined with: [if Mexican] a button-down shirt, with only the top button fastened; [if Latino] Chico Sideburns (aka the Toothpick Burns) that thinly wander down the side of the face; or [if a prepubescent boy] semen stains on their pants.

In rare instances, the Chico Stash may be found on a woman (this is known as “the Chica Stash”). Such women are typically homely and unkempt. Many Chicas also enjoy the habit of wearing bathing suits with a solid portion of pubic hair sneaking out from under the cloth. This is known as “disgusting”.

For those that are confused, there IS a difference between the notorious “Dirty Sanchez” mustache and that of the Chico Stash — namely the presence, or lack of, feces. Typically, men who like Chico Stashes are also huge fans of sodomy, so it may actually be a combination of both.

If you see Chico Stash, try not to vomit. Remain calm and keep eye contact on the ground. If you, or one of your loved ones, start to grow their own Chico Stash, do not panic. There is help. Have them call “the No-Mo Chico Hotline” at 1-800-822-6235. And may god have mercy on their upper lip.
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Also Known As: The Statutory Stash, Dirty Upper Lip, The C-mo, Public Pubes, The Rat Tail, Baby’s First Mustache, The Macchio Mistake
Related: The Pencil Chinstap

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Filed under douche, face, haircuts, idiot accessories, los angeles, mustache, trashy

#27 The White Trash

Whats wrong with this picture?
Somewhere between patriotism and a 30-pack of Busch Lite lies the social anomaly known as White Trash. Yes, this is the American wasteland where pulling out is birth control, pregnant women have belly button rings, and the mullet is king.

You’ll know the White Trash by their signature “inbred” look. This is not to say they actually take their sister to bed. But their cousin, definitely. Maybe it’s the powerlines they live under, their commitment to staying in school until the 7th grade, or the lead in the paint chips they eat, but they just look stupid. That straw in their mouth doesn’t help either.

Yet, among the White Trash, being “trashy” is a point of pride. They’ll smoke Marlboro’s, eat spam, and cheat on their wife with her sister just like their Papy, and his Papy before him. America is king, evildoers are terrorists, and Bush just makes sense. Oh, and if you don’t drive an American made truck, you’re a terrorist as well.

I bet she\'s a virgin

I bet she's a virgin

And why not? Life is simple for the White Trash. They keep their aspirations low (“When I grow up, I want to be a waitress”), keep their bills minimal (“This trailer home practically pays for itself!”), and they keep their women in line (“I don’t care if she’s your sister, I love her.”) In fact, there’s pretty much only one rule they live by:
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem” Everything else is just unAmerican.

So grab a confederate flag, tighten up those overalls, and grab your gun, because there’s a hootinanny at the waterin’ hole and Uncle Skeeter’s about to shoot off some homemade fireworks.

You can find the White Trash concentrated in the Southern/Central regions of the United States, with pockets of trashiness scattered throughout the country. Most likely, you’ll see them in large concentrations at NRA meetings and Kenny Chesney concerts. It’s important to note that the “white trash look” has at times become hip and popular, such as during Cyndi Lauper’s career and during Derek Zoolander’s “Derelict” campaign.

If you find yourself in the midst of a rowdy group of White Trash, and you’re nervous that your Abercrombie shirt might tip them off, simply say “Get ‘Er Done!”. They will embrace you like their cousin.
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Also Known As: Trailer Trash, The Redneck, America’s Got Garbage, Confederate Kids, Constable Cockeye, The Mullet Men

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Filed under booze, the south, trashy