Tag Archives: weed

#32 The Stoner

Put that in your pipe and smoke it
While the rest of the world struggles with Global Warming, economic downturn, and the threat of nuclear war, one man sits isolated, on a couch, with a bag of Funions and a glass bong named the Green Lantern. This man is the Stoner. And he’s got no idea what’s goin on.

One of the most beloved and least-douchey members of the Pants Party, Stoners are a docile, shy bunch with a hankerin’ for Taco Bell and the salty-sweet foods. They have a seemingly one-tracked mind: procure, and then smoke, said weed. They hate shwag, fear the government, and believe that pretty much everything is a conspiracy. Except for Obama, he’s cool.

You’ll know the Stoner by that glazed look in their eyes, their laid back attitude, and their penchant for hemp. They have a thing for flavored sodas, particularly “grape” and “orange”, and believe that they’re the only people that know about Malomars. Confused? Listen for their signature catchphrase:

“Wait…what we’re we talking about?”

Their simple lifestyle is based off of their two pop icons: Bob Marley and Towelie. Marley taught them to fight for what you believe in, don’t give in to the Man, and keep rockin’ rebel music. While Towelie taught them that getting high is a solution, and that Funkytown can be played on a phone keypad.

Much like The Club for your car, it’s recommended that every person have at least one Stoner friend to protect them from the outside world. While your stressing about your f**king boss, that girl that won’t call you back, or paying your bills on time, a simple call to the Stoner will make you realize: you’re waaay too stressed out. Take a rip of Sour Diesel and chill the crunk out, man.

You can find the Stoner all over the world, with large facets in California, Amsterdam, Jamaica, and Canadia. And with the global de-criminalization of weed, their pleasant movement is gaining momentum. More than likely, they’ll be rolling a fat doobie, visiting their local weed pharmacy (in California), or talking about how 9/11 is a conspiracy.

When you come across a Stoner, ask him if he knows “William Holdin”. When he pulls out a bag of weed, get high with him. You’re stressed out and he likes to talk. Win, win.
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Also Known As: The Pothead, Ganga Queen, Blunt Face, They Got Weed In ‘Em?, Dreadlocked Rasta, The Peace Pipe Guy, Smokin’ Aces
Related: The Brohan

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#25 The Brohan

Hang Ten (Nuts in my mouth)
“No worries, bro.”

There’s something about a dude with blond-tipped hair and a shell necklace telling me, “It’s all zen, bro” that makes me naseuas. But such is the laid-back mantra of the Brohan. Can’t make the party? That’s chill. Get lost on your way to the beach? No worries, mate. Bang his girlfriend? Righteous.

With the Brohan, it’s all good. You know why? Because your his bro. You’re also his: broski, brohanis, brah, brotha, hombre, dude, mate, main man, and hermano. Sure, you’re not related. But no worries, it’s all good.

No matter what you do or say, it’s impossible to un-bro the Brohan. Even when their pissed off, it’s “hey bro, not cool.”. This occurs for a very simple reason: the Brohan cannot function without this word. Popeye had spinach, the Homeless have spare change, and the Brohan has the word “bro”. Without frequent and repeated use of the word, their bong-blasted mind will shut down, and eventually, implode.

Thou shalt be annoyed “Dude, how chill was your bro’s fiesta last weekend, broski?”

It’s easy to be confused by the repetitive nature of the Brohan’s dialect. Often, you can be following their conversation until one too many “bros” enter the mix, and then your not sure if their talking about a person, place, thing, or their actual brother. This is not uncommon.

If you’re having trouble understanding, it’s important to read “The Book of Brohan”. This parchment was passed down from God to the Matthew McConaughey (the Brohan’s Desciple) in late 1993, and has served as a bible for Bros ever since.

You can find the Brohan at your local beach, working at PacSun, or packing major bongloads into their 5-footer. You’ll immediately recognize them by their Brotributes: a shell necklace, no shirt, board shorts, frosted tips, and a “hang loose” hand jiggle.

It’s important to note, however, that while the Brohan is most often a surfer dude, it is common to encounter “The Brohan’s Broski”. The only difference between him and the Brohan will be a lack of a tan and/or shell necklace. Often, the Brohan’s Broski will be a Frat Guy, a Hipster, a College Student, or occasionally, a Guido. In any case, when you encounter the Brohan, reference Zoolander and respond: “I’m not your Brah, Brah.” It confuses them.
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Also Known As: The Brah Boy, Sir-Repeats-Alot, Down Under Brother, The Brah Montey, McConaughites, Dude, You Should Mess With The Brohan

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