Tag Archives: white trash

#27 The White Trash

Whats wrong with this picture?
Somewhere between patriotism and a 30-pack of Busch Lite lies the social anomaly known as White Trash. Yes, this is the American wasteland where pulling out is birth control, pregnant women have belly button rings, and the mullet is king.

You’ll know the White Trash by their signature “inbred” look. This is not to say they actually take their sister to bed. But their cousin, definitely. Maybe it’s the powerlines they live under, their commitment to staying in school until the 7th grade, or the lead in the paint chips they eat, but they just look stupid. That straw in their mouth doesn’t help either.

Yet, among the White Trash, being “trashy” is a point of pride. They’ll smoke Marlboro’s, eat spam, and cheat on their wife with her sister just like their Papy, and his Papy before him. America is king, evildoers are terrorists, and Bush just makes sense. Oh, and if you don’t drive an American made truck, you’re a terrorist as well.

I bet she\'s a virgin

I bet she's a virgin

And why not? Life is simple for the White Trash. They keep their aspirations low (“When I grow up, I want to be a waitress”), keep their bills minimal (“This trailer home practically pays for itself!”), and they keep their women in line (“I don’t care if she’s your sister, I love her.”) In fact, there’s pretty much only one rule they live by:
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem” Everything else is just unAmerican.

So grab a confederate flag, tighten up those overalls, and grab your gun, because there’s a hootinanny at the waterin’ hole and Uncle Skeeter’s about to shoot off some homemade fireworks.

You can find the White Trash concentrated in the Southern/Central regions of the United States, with pockets of trashiness scattered throughout the country. Most likely, you’ll see them in large concentrations at NRA meetings and Kenny Chesney concerts. It’s important to note that the “white trash look” has at times become hip and popular, such as during Cyndi Lauper’s career and during Derek Zoolander’s “Derelict” campaign.

If you find yourself in the midst of a rowdy group of White Trash, and you’re nervous that your Abercrombie shirt might tip them off, simply say “Get ‘Er Done!”. They will embrace you like their cousin.
Also Known As: Trailer Trash, The Redneck, America’s Got Garbage, Confederate Kids, Constable Cockeye, The Mullet Men


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Filed under booze, the south, trashy

#8 The Unibrow

Unibrows in Space - The Last Frontier
The Unibrow is a person so bold, so naturally hairy, that their forehead functions as a modern-day Land Bridge. Using only a ratty string of facial hair, two seemingly separate halves of the head are united. I would say peacefully, but usually theirs a brown-and-curly battle over the upper-nose territory.

You may find it hard to believe that someone can look in the mirror every day and not notice the “Flying V” on their forehead. But what you don’t understand is that The Unibrow does notice. They love it. How do you think it got so thick?

Now thats a Unibrow!For many, The Unibrow is a choice. A life style. Sure, it would take only a second get razor or some tweezers and pluck that forest from in between their eyes. But that’s the easy way out. For The Unibrow, that hairy anomaly is it’s a symbol of strength and prowess. Of natural beauty.

The Unibrow shows no weakness, no emotion. While the left and the right eyebrow go with the flow — raising with a good laugh of scrunching in anger — the Unibrow stands firm. It doesn’t care about how big your fish is, or if you fart. It moves for no one.

You can find The Unibrow in Russia, on Hippies, and apparently on Astronauts (see above). In the United States, is prominent in the Midwest and South, especially in the “Bread Basket”. If your not careful, you may even find it on your own forehead.
Also Known As: Davey Crocket’s Raccoon Tail, The Andy Rooney, The Flying V, The Hair Up There, Two Face, Pubic Hair: Part Deux


Filed under haircuts, unibrow